i read an article today that i understood. anyways, the suggestion was to journal and how many times have i tried that and failed....or just didnt want too. but now, i feel like i have to do something or i dont know what will happen. i never liked writing things down cuz then there was evidence of the events or something physical that others could use against you but hell, ive been in more trouble that it just doesnt matter anymore. i feel like people around me are sick of me talking....my friends want to always talk to me about all their problems but they dont know the pain that grows inside me....they all talk about some trivial bullshit but to them it's not trivial so i listen. if some of these people would see the pain and sadness that goes on in life...if they could experience true agony i think i'd have the best laugh or maybe the last laugh. i've decided not to take meds to numb this confusion that grows inside me........but i have to say its so fucking hard dealing w/ these dumb mood swings and crappy ideas in my head. i hope my family can live with it until i can figure it out; i hope i can live with it; i hope i can figure it out; or at least live through it. so, like the article said "what do i have to loose by writing?"
im so sick of the overwhelming sadness when i have everything in this world to be happy for....who woulda thunk?
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